Cruel & Beautiful Read online

  “You’re right. I didn’t pick it up until Purdue. Promise me you won’t laugh when I tell you this.” He has the most serious look on his face.

  “I promise.”

  “I took figure skating lessons when I got to college. I loved hockey so much and wanted to learn to play, but I knew I needed learn how to skate first. So I sucked it up and took the lessons. It was awful. A ton of little girls and me on figure skates. Learning how to do the Salchow, Lutz, toe loop, and the Axel. Fun times. I busted my ass like you would not believe. But I learned. And when I was proficient, I joined a hockey league. I was still crappy, but I improved over time and now I’m fairly decent.”

  “Hockey.” I’m amazed that he plays.

  “So, do you think you’d want to come to my game?”

  When I think about Drew all fitted out in his uniform, I grab his arm and say, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world. But I have to tell you, I know nothing about hockey.”

  “I can teach you. It’s pretty basic. A lot like soccer except it’s faster.”

  “Yeah. Okay, then next weekend it is. I’ll drive up on Friday.”

  “Perfect.”

  Our food arrives and it is delicious. The steaks are perfect. No wonder he wanted to eat here. The dessert menu is drool worthy and we and both order chocolate soufflés, which melt in our mouths.

  We end the evening back at my place. He walks around to let me out of the car and while he’s helping me out, he bends down to kiss me. “I can’t ever remember enjoying myself so much, Cate.”

  “Neither can I.”

  He takes my hand and we walk upstairs. Jenna is out so we plop on the couch. I turn to him and say, “I want you to sleep with me tonight.”

  “It might be too much of a temptation.”

  Is he for real? What kind of guy says stuff like that? Most of them do anything they can to get in your pants.

  “I promise I’ll be good,” I say with a wink. “Besides, if Jenna brings someone home, it’ll be less awkward for you.”

  “Does she do that a lot?”

  “Not sayin’.” I hold out my hand to him and he takes it. We walk to my room. It’s not very big, but it holds a queen-sized bed. Admittedly, my room is pretty girly looking. I point to the bathroom so he can brush his teeth and use the restroom if he wants. He goes inside and shuts the door. While he’s in there, I undress and put on a t-shirt and a pair of boxers, my usual sleepwear. When he emerges, I trade places with him. I quickly wash my face and brush and floss my teeth. After I finish, I join him and he’s under the covers.

  “How many damn pillows do you own?”

  Laughing, I say, “No idea. Ten?”

  “Eighteen. I never thought I’d get them off the bed.”

  “I usually shove them to one side.” I scoot under the covers and find him shirtless. Nice.

  “Cate, are you on any birth control?” I’m startled by his question.

  “No. I’ve never taken the pill, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I’m asking. If we get to the point of intimacy in our relationship, would you be opposed to it?”

  “Not at all. Why?”

  “Curious. I’ve never had sex without a condom, but I sure would like to with you.”

  I find it odd that he was with the same girl for all that time and they never got to the point in their relationship where they trusted each other enough for him to go without a condom. I look up at him to find him gazing at me. I thought he would be smiling, but he isn’t.

  My big mouth blurts out the question that’s in my head.

  “Yeah, I suppose it should’ve told me more about the way she felt. She’s the one who didn’t want me to go without, and I was faithful.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. It’s old news.”

  My mouth decides it wants to spew even more intimate information about me. “Drew, I’ve never really had sex before. Not all the way sex.” I thought this would be embarrassing, but it isn’t.

  He’s a mixture of confused gestures. He nods, shakes his head, then finally says, “I don’t understand what that means exactly.”

  So I explain about dickwad. “I guess in the end, he could never really penetrate. It wasn’t for lack of trying. He was … really awful … blamed everything that went wrong on me, and it was an all around bad experience.” I shudder at the memory. “He was just a dickwad.”

  He moves closer and strokes my arm. In a gentle tone, he says, “If it’s any consolation, I’m glad—not that he treated you so badly but that you never actually had sex with him. If we end up having sex, I promise I won’t be a dickwad, Cate, and I’ll make it as good as a first time can be.” He gives me an understanding nod.

  What other sweet tricks does this guy have up his sleeve? “Are you for real?”

  “I’m not following.”

  “Everything about you. Most guys would be tearing my clothes off, but you’re more concerned about making me feel good when we do it. I’ve never met anyone like you before.” I place my hand on his chest, hoping he doesn’t mind, because I have this pressing need to touch him.

  His hand covers mine. “I hope that’s a good thing. I want everything to be right for you.”

  “See, that’s what I mean. You always say the right thing.”

  “No, I don’t. I’m on my good behavior right now because I’m trying to impress you. But can I tell you it’s taking everything I have inside of me not to roll you underneath me and do all sorts of dirty things to you?”

  “Drew?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I swear to god, I want you to do dirty things to me.”

  He takes my hand and kisses it. “I will. Only not tonight.”

  “Drew?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Can you give me some idea when this magical date will take place so I can do other things until that time?” His body shakes with laughter.

  “How about next weekend?”

  “Really? You mean it?”

  “Yeah.” He faces me and says, “I mean it. Now you promised you’d behave. You’re not exactly making this easy on me.”

  “Okay, but if you think this is easy for me, I need to let you in on a little secret. It’s not.”

  “Good. Then we’re even.”

  “I need to tell you another secret.”

  “Okay, what is it?”

  “I waxed Sasquatch for you. She’s all nice and smooth, like a baby’s butt. Guess you’ll have to wait until next weekend to see it.”

  I think I hear him groan.

  “Drew, are you okay?”

  “Yeah Cate.” His voice is all hoarse though.

  “I had fun tonight.”

  “Same here.”

  “Can I get just one little kiss?” I ask.

  “Only if you promise not to dry hump me. That would be my undoing.”

  That makes me laugh so hard, I actually snort.

  THE CAR DRIVES LIKE A DREAM, or maybe I’m just used to subway trains and taxis these days. As I take in a deep breath, I catch his scent and think again of seeing Andy naked under the sheets. He was hard and ready. I can’t deny I was just as ready for him.

  Only the dull ache is still there. The memories of that long ago day are ever present. How can I forget the past, even if I want to?

  My phone chimes, but traffic is still a bear. I let the call go to voicemail until I realize it might be Drew… Andy. It’s so hard to think of him by this new name. I fumble in my purse and almost rear end someone. Wouldn’t that be great? Calling him to cancel dinner because I totaled his car wouldn’t be the ideal way of starting fresh.

  Thank goodness for fingerprint recognition. I unlock my phone with a touch of my thumb and sneak a glance at the screen as traffic is stopped in front of me. Jenna.

  I reach to turn the volume down on the radio and accidently hit an extra button.

  A sultry voice cuts the song off and says, “Bluetooth recognized. Would yo
u like to sync this phone?”

  “Yeah right,” I say flippantly.

  “Bluetooth accepted.”

  “What?” I ask out loud, surprised the car understood me. A pop up box appears on my phone and draws my eye. I hit okay to allow my phone to pair with his car, even though when I’d spoken out loud, I’d been kidding. I like new techie stuff, so I test the waters.

  “Call Jenna.”

  Calling Jenna. Home or work?

  “Mobile,” I say instead.

  The phone rings through the audio system and I’m entranced but focused on the road again.

  “Hey you. I just called.”

  “I know. I’m driving.”

  After the words pop out of my mouth, I realize my mistake.

  “Driving? Did you buy a new car? I thought you didn’t want to have one.”

  “No, it’s a friend’s. What’s up? Why’d you call?” I ask brusquely, scrambling to divert our conversation away from the car. I’m just not ready to talk about Drew yet.

  “I can’t call you?” The way she over dramatizes her mock offense gets a laugh out of me.

  “Of course you can. You know I didn’t mean it that way.”

  “No, really, I’m just checking on you. Last we talked you were going to happy hour with your coworkers. I’m so hoping you met a man and ended your dry spell.”

  I can see her scolding look in my head as she speaks.

  “Will every conversation always make it back to my sex life?”

  “I don’t know there, Sasquatch, but I’m hoping you at least did a bit of landscaping.”

  I sigh. “I keep it up now, Mom,” I say dramatically. “Thanks to you for forcing me to get that little wax job, I’ve been traumatized into keeping up my maintenance on Louise.”

  Shuddering, I laugh at the memory as her cackles echo through the car’s sound system.

  “Seriously though, did you meet someone?”

  “Happy hour was a no go,” I admit. “My coworker hit on me, though.”

  See, it wasn’t totally a lie. I just edit myself. I need to tell Jenna about Drew in person.

  “Oh, do tell.”

  I give her the details that I can remember ending with Daniel hailing us a taxi.

  “Daniel looks like Clark Kent. Sounds promising.”

  “Sounds more like it’s never going to happen. I can’t date a guy at work. If things go south, it would be too awkward. And then one of us will have to quit and I like this job,” I say, spitting out a diatribe of words.

  She sighs. “When I get there in a few weeks, I will so get you laid if you haven’t already managed to find a hit-it-and-run guy by yourself.”

  “Hit-it-and-run?”

  “Yes! You need a good one-nighter before you’ll be ready for any man. Otherwise, if you’re into a guy and screw him after a dry spell, you’ll scare the poor guy off with cling wrap moves.”

  I laugh and she follows.

  “Speaking of which, what’s going on with you and a certain guy?”

  “Shh, we shall not speak of it. I am working on something. But I have to run. Duty calls. I have to take mother shopping. Chat with you later.”

  She’s definitely hiding something, but I don’t press her because I am, too. Once I get into DC, it’s slower going. They have red light cameras, speed cameras, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they have overhead cameras to determine if a driver is holding a phone in their hands while operating a vehicle.

  As I turn into a public lot a block from my building, my phone buzzes again. I wait for my turn to get a ticket before I answer.

  I see the name on the display just before I say, “Hello.”

  The whispered response is so faint, I say, “Mandy, let me call you back. I’m going to lose this signal.”

  “Don’t call,” she whispers loudly. “I’ll call you back in ten minutes.”

  “Okay,” I say, taking the ticket. The call ends so abruptly, I don’t know if I lost it or if she hung up right away.

  I find a sweet spot next to a wall and large enough that anyone who parks next to me can open their door wide and not ding Drew’s car… Andy’s.

  In my tiny apartment, I plunk my purse down on the small bistro table in my makeshift eat-in kitchen slash dining room.

  My phone rings before I can take another step. I answer and immediately I’m assaulted with Mandy’s demand for information.

  “Tell me what happened last night.”

  She’s still whispering, so I assume she’s hung over.

  I head back to my room with the phone tucked between my shoulder and ear as I begin to take off my day-old clothes.

  “Nothing, happened, we drank a lot and sang karaoke. Why?”

  “Why?” She squeaks.

  I toss my skirt in a pile in the closet and put the phone on speaker as I remove my shirt.

  “Yes, why?” Because I’m at a total loss. She sounds like the zombie apocalypse occurred.

  “How did you get home?”

  I drop my shirt in the same pile.

  “I got a ride with a friend. You and Daniel got in a cab and left. That’s the last I saw of you. Is everything okay?”

  I’m starting to feel awful even though I have no idea what’s wrong.

  “No, he’s here!”

  The bed sinks a little, which shows the quality of the mattress I purchased through a website when I moved here in such a rush. Future note—never buy a bed online.

  “Who’s there?” I ask as I head for the bathroom and check the state of my hair.

  I’m brushing it when she says, “Daniel. Daniel’s still here.”

  Pausing, I’m not sure what she plans to say next, but I hold my breath after I ask, “Is that a problem?”

  She’s quick with her words but it sounds like she’s hiding in her bathroom from the faint echo I hear despite all her quietly yelled words.

  “He’s sleeping in my bed.”

  I haven’t been to her apartment so I can’t visualize. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” The one word comes out sounding more like are you crazy. “He’s not dressed and there is an empty condom wrapper on my night table.”

  My jaw drops before a smile covers my face and I do a fist pump. One problem solved.

  “I guess you liked him more than you let on.”

  “I do not,” she says a little too quickly to be the truth. “He’s a friend. He needs someone, which is why I tried to set the two of you up. So why is he in my bed and not yours?”

  Unable to stop myself, I let out a laugh and can’t help but tease her. “I think he’s where he’s supposed to be. You guys make an adorable couple.”

  Her next words are still soft but she manages to growl them. “I would hate you if I didn’t already hate myself.”

  “Mandy,” a male voice calls out. It sounds downright sexy over the phone. Go Daniel.

  “I have to go.”

  “Call me later,” I say before remembering my plans for tonight.

  She hangs up quickly and I hope she didn’t hear that last part. Now, I’m starting to look forward to Monday, especially when the awkwardness will have nothing to do with me.

  I turn on the shower. What Jenna said takes over my thoughts and has me worried. Although I don’t have plans to sleep with Andy, I got his name right this time, I do want to make sure I’m groomed, just in case.

  The agonizing part will be what to wear. So I decide to do that now rather than wait for later. He says he’s going to make dinner. I end up deciding on a flirty top that hints at cleavage and my most comfortable pair of jeans. I toss a pair of clean underwear in my purse, then I sit on the couch to try and take my mind off everything by watching some TV.

  I close my eyes to rest them, only to wake to the alarm I set just in case I nodded off. I rush to get ready and pay to get his car out of the parking garage. Leaving DC is just as slow as it was coming in. Luckily, I gave myself enough time. I have to circle the block of Andy’s hospital a couple of times before he
flags me down.

  “Hey gorgeous, how was your day?” he asks as he gets into the car.

  Oh, I don’t know. I considered using BOB while thinking about you but decided to wait it out. “Nothing much, watched a little TV. How about you?”

  “Another good day.”

  “How is that?”

  His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “No one died on my watch.”

  Talk about sobering. “How do you continue to do it?”

  He pauses for a long second and I know he’s considering the question. “It’s that child you cure and see for a routine visit years later and he’s still cancer free. It’s the Mom with a family of five whose kids still need her. It’s hope that I can make a difference and even if it’s just one more day that they live, that’s what drives me.”

  His passion is overwhelming and heartwarming. I can’t help the tear that spills from my eye. He’s there with the pad of his thumb wiping it away.

  “I know it’s crazy for me to think we can forget about all those yesterdays, but I believe that running into you is a sign from somewhere. Cate, I need you not to give up on this. Cancer will always be a part of my life. I want you to give me a second chance to see if you can or even want to be a part of my life, too.”

  I say nothing as he’s forced to give me directions back to his place. I hear him speak as I drift on a void of grief. Cancer will be a part of his life. As much as I have unresolved feelings for him, I’m not sure I can live that life.

  He steers me into the garage under his building and somber vibes fill the empty spaces between us. After I park, he steps out of the car, giving me the full view. I saw him when I picked him up, but I’d been focused on the traffic around me and not on the gorgeous man in blue scrubs. I’m struck by the impossible man and his impossible life. I’m torn between the two knowing I have to take one with the other. Already caught up in seeing him again after all this time, I stand there and stare like an idiot.

  “Are you checking me out?” he jokes.

  Deflecting, I say, “You remind me of a smurf.”

  He chuckles and leads me toward a door where he pushes the up button for the elevators. “I’m not sure how to take that unless I’m Handsome Smurf or Sexy Smurf. I do know in all that blue, there is only one girl. Smurfette.”