The Fall and Rise of Kade Hart: A Hart Brothers Novel Page 10

  The explanation I give her doesn’t even scratch the surface. I’m shit terrified of hurting her with my fuckeduppery. I’m also afraid that I’m not strong enough to handle this. What happens if my emotions get too entangled? If she doesn’t return my feelings? Will I fall down the slippery slope and succumb to the needle? Jesus, it scares the fucking hell out of me because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I will die if I ever use again.

  “Oh, Kade. How did this ever happen?”

  “Fate threw us together.”

  “Fate and God. Maybe He wanted us to be together.”

  And then she does the unthinkable. She leans into me and initiates a kiss. I freeze. I won’t let myself touch her. This has to be all her. I’m shocked even more when she pushes me backward and climbs on top of me. My hands fist at my sides, using all my control not to touch her.

  Her hand cups my cheek as her mouth grazes mine. But when her tongue inches past my lips, that’s it. My arms coil around her and I greedily kiss her back, taking and giving. Her moans spur me on, so I intensify the kiss, exploring her luscious mouth, running my hands up and down her back. When I feel her hand glide beneath my shirt, I want to scream. I have to stop her because I don’t want to lose control.

  “Juliette,” my voice sounds like someone else is talking, all gruff and harsh. “We need to take it slow.”

  She sits up and I stare at her as she straddles my hips. Her damn crotch presses on my dick and I know she has to feel it against her.

  “Take off your shirt.”

  It’s not a request.

  “Juliette, I …”

  Before I can finish, her hands grab the bottom of the oversized sweatshirt she’s wearing and pull it up and over her head. Now her thighs bracket mine and she’s naked from the waist up. Her breasts are tiny, but how can they be anything else? She’s tiny. However, they’re perfect, large enough for her body, with rosy nipples that urge my mouth to suck and tease them.

  Sitting up, I tear off my shirt in a clumsy manner, and then pull her close to kiss. But only briefly. Her nipples demand my attention now. My mouth hovers over one, but before I do, I look up at her for permission. When she nods, my tongue flicks one. I tease it first and then I suck it.

  “Do you like it like this, or harder?”

  “I don’t know. It’s been so long.”

  “Let’s find out.”

  Back to her nipple, I suck harder and she moans. My fingers play with her other one, squeezing and pinching.

  “Which do you like better?” I need to know because I want to make her feel good. I’m not very experienced at this and I want to please her.

  “Both.”

  “Equally?”

  “Yes! Is this an damn interview?” she asks in frustration.

  I stop and look at her. This is such a foreign place for me; I want to make sure I do it right. I want her to feel the greatest pleasure. “No, but I want you to feel good.”

  “Kade, I feel good, for heaven’s sake. Just do what you want to do. Do what you think I’ll like.”

  “Juliette, I can’t. Because what I’d like to do is to fuck you from here to Sunday, and I’m not going to do that.”

  The staggering look on her face makes me stop everything. “What? Do you want me to fuck you?”

  Her tongue darts out and licks her lips. “I … yes. Yes, I do.”

  Now it’s my turn to appear shocked. She really wants me to fuck her. “Um, that might not be a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “Your conscience.”

  “My conscience? I think you should let me worry about that.”

  Good point. “Okay then, my conscience.”

  “Take your pants off, Kade.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. I want you to take your pants off.”

  Against my better judgment, my fumbling hands unbutton and unzip my pants. After a couple of tries, I get them off. My boxer briefs are next. But she puts her hand under the elastic and jerks them down past my knees. I kick them off.

  “Lay down.”

  I do as she says. Her hand wraps around my erection and I want to die, it feels that good. When was the last time I had a blow job? I can’t remember.

  “Juliette, it’s been a long time. A really long time.”

  “I know.”

  Soft wet lips fasten firmly around my cock and slide up and down, as she holds me at the base. Heat suffuses my body and oxygen traps in my lungs. My balls tighten painfully until I think I can’t take anymore and then she grabs them in her other hand and squeezes.

  “Oh, God. Fuck, Juliette.” If she keeps this up, I’m going to come. Fast.

  Her tongue swirls around the tip and slides up and down, then she makes it into a point and drills it into the tiny slit at the tip. Nerve endings fire and I’m almost there. She starts sucking again and takes it deep. This girl can give head. Fuck me.

  “Juliette, I’m going to come,” I wheeze.

  She keeps sucking, hard. She doesn’t release so I tell her again, giving her the opportunity to pull off. Too late. An intense orgasm erupts and I’m geysering into her mouth, bucking against it. Holy shit, I’m drowning the poor girl. I didn’t mean to do this to her, but she wouldn’t release me. I’m groaning like a fucking mad man and calling out her name as she sucks me bone dry. Then she finally lets me go with a pop.

  I'm speechless for a second while coherent thought returns. When I have control of my body again, I raise myself to my elbows. “Damn. That was one hell of a blow job. I’m sorry about coming in your mouth. I tried to warn you.”

  She shakes her head and then shimmies up and kisses me. “I wanted you to.” Then she shakes her head, "No, that's not true. I needed to make you feel good.” Her lips glisten with a mixture of her saliva and my cum.

  “Juliette, I know you want us to fuck, but I’m not ready for that. But, there's something I need to do to you. Take off your pants.”

  “No.”

  “No?”

  “Yes. No.”

  “I want to make you feel good, too.”

  She turns away from me.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” she mumbles.

  “Yes, there is. You can tell me. You just sucked my dick for Christ’s sake.”

  She looks at me, her brown eyes wide and full of what? Embarrassment? What is she embarrassed about?

  "Don't bring Christ into this. You're only making this worse."

  Lacing our fingers together, I pull her back to me and hold her close. “Sorry, this is new for me, too. I’m not sure how to proceed here. You have to talk to me. What did I do?”

  “You didn’t do anything. It’s me. I, uh, I … I’m not …” she looks at me again and her throat works around as she swallows.

  My thumb traces her lower lip. “I won’t bite, laugh, or do anything to hurt you. Promise.”

  “It’s been so long since I’ve been with anyone that I haven’t shaved or anything, you know?”

  I let a long breath escape. “Is that all? Because I’ve already seen you naked.”

  “Seen me naked? How? When?”

  “When I brought you back here. I had to get your wet clothes off.”

  “Right. I guess I should’ve known my clothes didn’t change themselves.”

  “You’re beautiful inside and out. And I think you look perfect.”

  “Nuns don’t shave so …”

  “I don’t expect they do.” The corner of my mouth turns up and she grins. “Was that all?”

  “This is totally awkward.”

  “Why?”

  “Because, that’s why.”

  “Because isn’t an answer. When I was in rehab, they stripped me bare, and I’m not talking in the literal sense. I was analyzed by every psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist, you name it. Every secret I had was wrenched out of me, some of them with me kicking and screaming, so to me, this is not at all awkward. You have to think about where I
came from when you say things like that.”

  She doesn’t have the first clue of how resistant someone is when they get into rehab and how it take weeks of peeling back the layers to get to the bottom of why the addiction began in the first place. There’s always a reason.

  “Now, take off your pants.”

  She does that thing with her teeth over her bottom lip for a second, and then she rolls to her back. Lifting her butt, she pulls her bottoms off and throws them off the bed.

  My hand reaches for her thigh and I run it up and down one and then the other. Her legs are strong and shapely, even though she’s small. It’s probably from all the walking she does. Soft brown curls beckon to me so my fingers brush lightly over the top of them, back and forth. I watch her face and she sinks her teeth into her lower lip again.

  My fingers brush lower, until they find her sex. She’s warm, wet, and soft. I run one finger up and down her slit several times, never taking my eyes off her face. Her eyelids flutter, but I say, “Don’t shut me out, Juliette. Stay with me.”

  Hips move in sync with my finger so I begin to circle her clit. She sucks air in through her nose, and then releases the hold she has on her lower lip. “Kade.”

  “Yes. Tell me.”

  “More.”

  My finger moves inside of her and she bucks. “Like that?”

  “Yes.”

  I begin a motion I think she wants, moving in and out and rubbing her clit, but I want her against my mouth. I want her taste on my tongue, my lips. I want her scent on me. So I move between her legs and lay her thighs open for me. Now she’s spread wide and exposed. Bared for me.

  Her hand moves down to shield herself.

  “No, don’t. You’re beautiful here.” Before she can become too shy and timid, my mouth latches on to her and my tongue invades her secret places. I lick, suck, and nip at her clit while my fingers invade her pussy. She writhes in harmony with my movements, pulling me closer, fingers clawing into my arms.

  “There, right there with your tongue. Don’t stop. Yes.”

  I lift my eyes to see her intently watching. It surprises me. I would’ve thought her too shy for this.

  “Faster with your fingers. Yes, like that.”

  She’s not afraid to tell me how to do it either. I like that. It makes it better for both of us. Then she lets out a loud exhale, and calls out my name as she climaxes. One hand is in my hair, the other on my arm. When her muscles have stopped contracting around my fingers, I let her loose. She grabs a handful of my hair and jerks me up toward her. Her mouth is on mine kissing me feverishly, desperate for something. What, I don’t know.

  “Oh, Kade. That was …” she just shakes her head.

  “Are you going to talk to me, or slip away in your head?” We’re lying nose to nose and my hand grabs a chunk of her hair. “I want you to share your thoughts, Juliette.”

  “I’ve never come like that before. That was great.” She smiles, but then those rotten shadows invade her eyes again, threatening to pull her away from me.

  “Don’t ruin this moment. Stay here with me.”

  “I can’t forever. It’s temporary, you know.”

  Maybe it’s best for her to go on and become a full-fledged nun. What kind of life could I offer her anyway? A life filled with uncertainty … a life filled with the possibility of becoming addicted again. That wouldn’t be fitting at all. I could never do that do her. The demons of my drug-filled past haunt me constantly. How could I put that on her?

  “Now where have you gone?” she asks.

  “I’m here, with you. But I should’ve asked. Are you hungry?”

  “Yeah. I think so.”

  “Stay put. Let me go round us up some food.”

  I flip on the TV and tuck her back under the covers before I go down to make us a meal. Once I’m in the kitchen, reality punches me in the balls. What the hell am I doing here? I can’t have a relationship with her. I’ll destroy the poor girl and then what? Besides, I’m not worthy of her. She’s all pure and innocent and here I am a demon-filled fucking drug addict. What the fuck was I thinking up there? Shame fills me to the point I want to hurt myself. And then the need to use crashes into me. Oh shit! Oh shit! My elbows rest on the counter and I hang my head.

  I must’ve been gone awhile because a hand touches my back. “Kade, what’s wrong?”

  What do I say? How do I tell her my issues? But something happens when I look at her. She takes my hand and leads me into my music room.

  “Sit. Play something for me.”

  I sit at the piano with her next to me and play. One classical piece after the next. I’m not even sure what I’m playing. My fingers leap across the keys with a mind of their own, as if they know where they’re going without having to be told. Music is my balm, my magic potion. It saved me from my father when I was young and it helped restore me in rehab and afterward. I don’t know how she knew to bring me here, but she did. And it helps. All my anguish pours out through my fingers, translating into my music. Over and over I play one melody after another until my fingertips are bruised from hitting the keys so hard.

  It’s only after I stop that I notice food sitting on the floor next to the piano. Juliette is curled up on the chair watching me. How much time has drifted by? Hours probably. Standing, I pick up the tray and move to sit next to her.

  “So now you’ve witnessed the broken man first hand.”

  “We’re all broken, Kade. Some of us hide it better than others.”

  You broken piece of shit. You’ll never be anything but that. Just a worthless piece of shit. Look at you! You lie there strung out on God knows what, playing your goddamn music day after day as if it will save you. It won’t. Nothing will. You were too weak. I should’ve known from the start you’d be a miserable failure. You’re not worthy to carry the Hart name. I should lock you back up in your little cell.

  “Kade? Hello, are you here?”

  “Sorry, I was day dreaming.”

  “Was it the sex that made you want to use? I saw your face. The anguish. The regret. Are you sorry we did that?”

  “No! Not at all. I’m sorry I’m such a worthless fucking drug addict who’s not good enough for you.”

  “Stop it! Stop saying that. You’re far more worthy than most people I know. I don’t ever want to hear you say those things again.”

  I thank her for fixing the food and eat it. When I’m done, I set the tray down and think about how to say what needs saying.

  “Juliette, I don’t think you quite understand this. I still crave drugs. When you found me in the kitchen, I was having a low. I wanted them bad. Very bad. I had an inner turmoil waging and didn’t know what to do. That hasn’t happened in a long time and it scares the shit out of me. What scares me more is what triggered it.”

  “Us. You think we triggered it. The sex.”

  “Yes. I’m afraid I’ll destroy you.”

  “Funny, I feel the same about you.”

  “But you’re not a drug addict. Look at my arms.” I hold them out for her to see. “This is over two years now and I’m still scarred.” She runs her fingers up and down my veins. “It’s a fucking miracle I don’t have HIV or Hep C. I don’t know how I escaped either of those. But I did. I was tested constantly in rehab and after eighteen months of negative test results, at my insistence, they said I was clean. And that went for sexually transmitted diseases, too, although I was usually too out of it to have sex, I wanted to make sure. So many times I couldn’t remember what I did. I wanted to be tested on the off chance, well you get the idea.”

  “But Kade, …”

  “Let me finish. This is a tightrope I’m on. There are no guarantees. Yes, I have the best situation one can have. Yes, I run a facility to help people stay clean. Yes, I’m an NA counselor. But that is not one hundred percent, Juliette. Nothing is. Every day is a battle for me. A sometimes exhausting battle. Much of it has to do with my dad. My demons are huge and to put that on someone else is asking way too m
uch. I should never have kissed you … taken that first step.”

  “You’re acting like this is one-sided. It’s not. And it’s quite pretentious of you to think you’re the only one with issues.”

  “I’m trying to protect you.”

  She huffs, “Seems to me I tried to do that to you earlier, but you would have nothing to do with it. So what’s good for the goose isn’t for the gander?”

  The rapid rise and fall of her chest brings back a vivid picture of when she was lying naked in my bed with her legs spread and my face buried in her pussy.

  “Fuck me, I am so screwed. And so are you.” I grab her and jerk her against my chest, slamming my mouth over hers in the process. The whole scenario is so uncoordinated, we end up toppling off the chair and crashing to the floor. I turn to take the brunt of the fall and she’s on top now.

  “I want you. I want to be inside of you, all the way, deep, feeling your tight pussy around me, God help me and you.”

  She grinds herself on me, and I jerk in my pants.

  “Shit. You have to stop.”

  “No, I don’t want to.” She sits up and squirms out of those bulky sweatpants.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  “Getting naked so we can have sex.”

  “Stop it. We can’t have sex.”

  “Why not?”

  “Are you on any birth control?”

  “Uh, no. Why the heck would I be on birth control? I live in a convent.”

  “I don’t have any condoms.”

  “So? Pull out. My ex-boyfriend did that all the time.”

  “Jesus, did you have to bring that up?”

  “Sorry, but yes. I want you in me. Take off your pants.”

  Did she truly want to have sex or was this one of those in the heat of the moment things?

  “Juliette, are you sure about this?”

  She grabs my chin and our eyes meet. “Yes, I’m sure. I would never do something like this lightly, Kade. And don’t worry. I won’t have regrets. Now take off your pants.”

  I watch her face as I do. Brown eyes gaze at me under half-closed lids. She licks her lips as though she’s going to get a special sweet treat. When I’m free and clear, she takes my dick in her hand and pumps it up and down and few times. It’s really not necessary because it’s stiff as steel.